April: Musicians Who Think They’re Actors, Round Two

Remember that month when we watched movies in which musicians who think they can act completely embarrass themselves? Yeah, that was five years ago. Sheesh.

Anyway, we’re doing it again.

April 1: Big Money Rustlas (2010) — No, it’s not an April Fool’s joke—it’s the Insane Clown Posse wild-west epic. Enough said.

April 8: The All-Nighter (1987) — A vehicle for Susanna Hoffs (The Bangles) directed by her mother. This movie is so bad that it has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. A critic for the Chicago Reader: “Hard to say what this is really, except maybe an inadvertent documentary on child abuse.”

April 15: Under the Cherry Moon (1986) — Prince made this movie about two years after Purple Rain. It won “Razzie” awards for worst picture, actor, supporting actor … it goes on. Plot: Prince is a gold-digger musician living in France who tries to seduce an heiress with the help of his friend Tricky. It’s all in black and white, and the camp is totally over the top.

April 22: Disorderlies (1987) — Hey, remember the Fat Boys? Remember the slapstick comedy they made in which they play orderlies hired by a scheming nephew to kill his uncle?

April 29: Moonwalker (1988) — I watched this movie so many times when I was a kid. Joe Pesci as a criminal mastermind with a tarantula-filled secret lair … the totally creepy and awesome claymation … the gigantic MJ-shaped robot spaceship thing … a true classic.

March: Post-Apocalyptic Movies from the 80s

In the 1980s, in the wake of Mad Max, there came a slew of low-budget features that are so bizarre and convoluted that you might mistake them for surrealist masterpieces.

March 4 — Land of Doom (1986): Roving motorcycle gangs rule the post-apocalyptic future. For more, check out this ridiculously detailed description (SPOILER WARNING) on Wikipedia.

March 11 — She (1982): Ostensibly based on the novel by H. Rider Haggard, this incredible film features werewolves in togas, a psychokinetic communist with an SM cult, a robot Frankenstein’s monster, and chainsaw-wielding leprosy mummies. And that’s just a small portion of the craziness.

March 18 — Future Kill (1985): In a world where anti-nuke protestors dress up like mutants and roam the post-apocalyptic city streets, frat boys find themselves in a vicious battle with real mutants. Wait, what? All I really know about this movie is that H. R. Giger did the theatrical poster artwork, and I seriously doubt that it reflects in any way the content of the movie.

March 25 — She-Wolves of the Wasteland (1987): Yeah, it’s called “She-Wolves of the Wasteland.” I guarantee there are going to be lots of scantily-clad women wrestling with each other. That’s pretty much it.

February: Christopher Motherfukking Lee, Bitches

Yosef chose the name and theme for this month. Can you tell?

I am actually a huge fan of Christopher Lee, and not just because he and I share a birthday. (Also born on my birthday: Vincent Price. It’s true.) This month is really going to test the limits of my Christopher Lee appreciation, though.

February 5 — Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970): Just one of the fifty million movies Hammer Productions made with Christopher Lee as Dracula.

February 12 — The Blood of Fu Manchu (1968): Whooo, boy. Are you ready for Christopher Lee in yellowface? I don’t know if I am. Directed by the legendary Jess Franco, this episode of the Fu Manchu series involves a remote jungle hideout, a deadly poison hidden in lipstick, mind control, and, naturally, a plot to take over the world.

February 19 — The Crimson Cult (1968): A (very) loose adaptation of H. P. Lovecraft’s “The Dreams in the Witch House.” Boris Karloff co-stars.

February 26 — Dracula A. D. 1972 (1972): Dracula is resurrected in modern London by a group of hippies dabbling in the occult, including one who calls himself “Johnny Alucard.” Sigh. Peter Cushing co-stars, of course, as Van Helsing.

“He’s ready to freak you out—right out of this world.”

January: Clowny Clown Clown

Did you know that there have been over a dozen low-budget evil-clown movies made in the last decade? It’s true. (Note that this list may change depending on whether or not I can get a couple of movies…)

January 1: Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988) — I’ll admit it: this movie scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. The clowns, not so much, but being encased in a bubble of cotton candy to later be sucked out through a straw and eaten…gah.

January 8: It (1990) — Pennywise. Is he not the most iconic evil clown of all time? Creepy, creepy, creepy.

January 15: The Clown Murders (1976) — It seems like this one isn’t actually so much about scary clowns as it is about kidnapping the boss’s wife while wearing clown suits, and then some people get killed or something. Apparently, it also includes a sex scene with a very young John Candy.

January 22: Killjoy (2000) — Billing itself as “new urban horror,” this Full Moon Features production looks like it might be as good as Leprechaun in the Hood.

January 29: Herencia Diabolica (1994) — An evil clown doll murders people that are mean to him. Hopefully I will be able to find a subtitled version of this amazing-looking Mexican horror movie…

December: Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas!

Don’t worry—there are still more Christmas-themed horror movies to come. But let’s take a little break this year and have a Patrick Swayze Christmas instead.

December 4: Youngblood (1986)— Sexy farm boy Rob Lowe wants to be a pro hockey player, and ends up on a minor-league team with Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves.

December 11: Road House (1989)— Martial artist. Bouncer. Philosopher. The Swayz’ at his finest.

December 18: Next of Kin (1989)— Patrick Swayze is a Chicago cop looking for justice after his brother is killed by the mob. Will he stick to the side of the law, or take the side of his hick brother (Liam Neeson) in delivering some extralegal vengeance? Hicksploitation in the big city!

December 25: Red Dawn (1984)— Patrick Swayze leads a group of high-school kids in fightin’ the Commies when Russia invades their small town. NO POTLUCK. Instead, we’ll have a traditional Jewish Christmas at Great Wall Chinese. (More details to come.)

November: Turkey Terrors

This month’s theme honors our national holiday celebrating colonial genocide and the roasting of dead birds. Yay!

11/6: ThanksKilling (2009) — “Gobble gobble, motherfucker!” Yes, it’s a horror movie about a killer turkey. Since this was only made a few years ago, following our past experiences at potluck I fear that this may be too terrible even for us…we’ll see.
11/13: Blood Freak (1972) — Oh, Blood Freak. What can I say about this movie, except that it’s a sordid tale of drug abuse, turkey farming, and blood drinking. To say any more would spoil it. Don’t miss this one, seriously.
11/20: Bloody Bird (aka Stagefright) (1987) — OK, so there are no turkeys in this one…but there is a serial killer with an owl mask hacking up a bunch of actors. Michele Soavi (Cemetery Man) directs his first feature film.
11/27: Home Sweet Home (1981) — A mental patient escapes on Thanksgiving and wrecks a family’s holiday. Nothing wrong with an 80s slasher about Thanksgiving!

October: Dancin’ Fools

October is traditionally a month for horror movies, but this time we’ll be watching five classic movies about stickin’ it to the man and standing up for yourself via dancing crazy. I have not seen a single one of these movies.

October 2: Dirty Dancing (1987) — Patrick Swayze dances all sexy-like. Fun fact: the famous track “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life” has been listed as the “third most popular song played at funerals” in the UK.

October 9: Footloose (1984) — A very young Kevin Bacon plays a modern city boy transplanted to a small Midwestern town where dancing is outlawed.

October 16: Saturday Night Fever (1977) — A very young John Travolta is a store clerk by day, disco-dancing king by night.

October 23: Breakin’ (1984) — A struggling jazz dancer takes to the streets and becomes a breakdancing sensation. (Possibly followed by Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, if people are up for it.)

October 30: Flashdance — (1983) — Jennifer Beals is a steel-town girl on a Saturday night, and she’s dancing like she’s never danced before.

August: Don’t Go There

Seriously … just don’t.

August 7: Don’t Go in the House (1980) — Abused as a child by his sadistic mother, disturbed loner Donny unleashes his pent-up misogyny when mommy dearest passes away. Luring unsuspecting women to his home, Donny shackles his victims in a fireproof room, where they end up on the business end of a flamethrower.

August 14: Don’t Go in the Woods … Alone (1982) — Four young backpackers are stalked through the wilderness by a deranged, maniacal backwoods killer.

August 21: Don’t Go Near the Park (1981) — As punishment for cannibalizing their tribe’s children, two members of an ancient Neanderthal clan are cursed with aging for eternity but never dying. In an attempt to recapture their stolen youth, the pair now preys on the humans that visit the local park. Featuring scream queen Linnea Quigley!

August 28: Don’t Go in the Basement (a.k.a Don’t Look in the Basement) (1973) — Stephens Sanitarium is an experimental asylum for the criminally psychotic. On Nurse Beale’s first day of work, an axe-wielding lunatic murders the head doctor at the sanitarium, and the inmates take over the asylum…

July: Summer Camp

Time to dust off the hiking boots and stock up on marshmallows! July means summer camp, which, if movies have taught me anything, means getting laid, plotting against other campers, and trying to avoid the serial killer in your midst. (Summer-camp-themed food encouraged all this month. I know someone wants to bring vegan s’mores, right?)

July 3: NO POTLUCK

July 10: Meatballs (1979) — In his first starring role, Bill Murray plays goofy camp counselor Tripper, who tries to lure shy camper Rudy out of his shell. Rudy helps Tripper woo head counselor Roxanne while the campers prepare for a showdown with a rival camp.

July 17: Sleepaway Camp (1983) — When the happy and hormonal teenage campers of Camp Arawak begin to die in a series of horrible accidents, they discover that someone — or something — has turned their summer of fun into a vacation to dismember. Has a dark secret returned from the camp’s past … or will an unspeakable horror end the season forever? And what’s the deal with shy camper Angela, anyway?

AND/OR:

The Burning (1981) — Years after a summer camp janitor is severely burned and disfigured as the result of a teenage prank gone awry, he’s released from the local insane asylum and returns to the scene of the crime to seek revenge against those who harmed him. Several yet-to-be-famous stars pop up in this classic summer-camp horror film, including Holly Hunter and Jason Alexander of “Seinfeld.”

July 24: NO POTLUCK

July 31: Wet Hot American Summer (2001) — It’s the last day of summer for Camp Firewood’s staff and patrons, and everyone wants a final shot at some action. Janeane Garofalo, David Hyde Pierce, and Michael Showalter star in this spoof on summer-camp camp.

June: Robot Rampage!

The Three Laws of Robotics:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

…yeah, right.

June features three movies about robots running amok and killing their human masters.

6/5: Robocop 2 (1990) — Peter Weller IS: Robocop. This sequel pits Robocop against a new designer drug called “Nuke.” But there’s more: the evil corporate empire that created Robocop intends to develop a larger and more powerful version to replace the original.

6/12: NO POTLUCK. Come join us at the Another Hole in the Head film festival for some very special films.

6/19: Runaway (1984) — Michael Crichton’s sci-fi thriller about machines gone bad. Sgt. Jack Ramsey (Tom Selleck) is the police robotics expert on the case when evil genius Dr. Charles Luthor (Kiss front man Gene Simmons) unleashes his reprogrammed androids.

6/26 Death Machine (1994) — Brad Dourif stars as the creator of the ultimate killing machine, an android that tracks victims by sensing fear. Guess what—shit gets out of control real fast.