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February features four movies in which women have to pretend they find Jeff Goldblum sexually attractive.

February 7: The Fly — Cronenberg’s remake of the classic Vincent Price movie. While testing his teleportation device, scientist Seth Brundle (Jeff Goldblum) accidentally merges his cells with those of a housefly. As his reporter girlfriend (Geena Davis) bears witness, Seth slowly — and quite disgustingly — morphs into an insect.

February 14: The Tall Guy — Jeff Goldblum is a luckless, loveless and soon-to-be-jobless American actor in London. His fortunes change when he finds love with nurse Emma Thompson and gets the starring role in a new musical version of “The Elephant Man.” Also features Rowan Atkinson.

February 21: Earth Girls Are Easy — Three aliens (Jeff Goldblum, Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans) crash-land in Los Angeles’ San Fernando Valley. A manicurist (Geena Davis) and her boss (Julie Brown) befriend the threesome, give them makeovers, and show them a good time…

February 28: Vibes — Linked by their supernatural gifts, psychic hairdresser Sylvia (Cyndi Lauper) and psychometrist Nick (Jeff Goldblum) are recruited by treasure hunter Harry Buscafusco (Peter Falk) to help him locate his missing son in the mountains of Ecuador. But when they arrive in South America, Sylvia and Nick discover that Buscafusco has actually tricked them into helping him find a lost city made of gold. DO NOT MISS THIS ONE!


(Seriously. These kids are freaking creepy.)

January 3: The Bad Seed. Grade-schooler Rhoda Penmark is sweet, smart … and eeeeee-vil! After a school chum dies during a picnic, no one suspects Rhoda, except the janitor of her apartment building. But when Rhoda’s mother, Christine, finds out that her own mother is a cold-blooded killer, she begins to suspect Rhoda might be the victim of some faulty genetic wiring.

January 10: The Good Son. A modern take on The Bad Seed: Seemingly innocent Henry (Macaulay Culkin) tries to snuff his family members. Visiting cousin Mark (Elijah Wood), whose own mother passed away just a few weeks earlier, sees through Henry’s façade –but no one will believe him.

January 17: Problem Child. Ben Healy (John Ritter) and his wife adopt a seven-year-old boy named Junior. But Junior isn’t the gentle son they expected; he’s a certified terror, messing up trips, parties and ball games. Undeterred, Ben commits to parenthood until Junior finally learns how to get along with others. [NOTE: Okay, the kid in this one isn't so much evil as annoying...no murders here, unfortunately.]

January 24: Village of the Damned. John Carpenter’s remake of the 1960 sci-fi thriller stars Christopher Reeve and Kirstie Alley as doctors who must try to stop a group of alien children from taking over the world. An alien force impregnates every woman in a small town, and the spawn — who grow at an incredible rate, and can read everyone’s thoughts — attempt to conquer the earthlings. Features Mark Hamill without a light saber.

January 31: Children of the Corn. A young couple find themselves stranded in the rural town of Gatlin, Nebraska, and fall into the sinister hands of a mysterious religious sect of children. Having murdered all of the town’s adults at the command of their leader, the children perform bloody sacrifices to their cornfield-dwelling deity.



It’s hard to believe, but yes, there are enough Christmas-themed horror movies to warrant a fourth installment of “Holiday Horror” month!

December 6: No potluck! Go find some other way to entertain yourselves.

December 13: Santa’s Slay (2005). A bet that Santa lost to an angel 1,000 years ago has expired, and now he’s hell-bent on spreading some holiday fear. As the big day approaches, only young Nicholas Yuleson and his grandfather can stop him.

December 20: Satan Claus (2008). A couple teams up with a voodoo priestess to try to stop a murderous Santa impersonator who’s terrorizing New York City, using the body parts of his victims to decorate his tree.

December 27: Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys (2004). Scheming to ruin Christmas for thousands of children, a toy company unleashes its line of demonic dolls on puppet master Robert Toulon (Corey Feldman) to seize his family’s top secret recipe for reanimation. It’s a holiday face-off between toys with minds of their own in this Frankenstein’s-monster spinoff of the Puppet Master and Demonic Toys franchises.


…in case you’re curious, here’s a list of the past “holiday horror” movies we’ve watched:

Christmas Evil
Don’t Open Till Christmas
Jack Frost
Jack Frost II
Santa Claws
Silent Night, Deadly Night
Silent Night, Bloody Night
Elves
Gremlins
Black Christmas
(original)

November: Nazi Zombies

Nazi movies and zombie movies: two good things that go better together! This genre (and I use the term loosely) seems to be making a resurgence with a couple of recent movies, Outpost and the eagerly awaited Dead Snow. In November, we’ll watch five Nazi zombie movies from the late 70s and early 80s. This month will be a real treat…

November 1: Night of the Zombies (1981). Not to be confused with the Italian zombie movie of the same name, this genre entry by Joel M. Reed (Bloodsucking Freaks) follows detective/spy/soldier/whatever Nick Monroe as he travels to Germany to investigate some mysterious canisters of toxic gas developed in WWII. Pretty soon some zombies show up. Could they possibly be connected to the mysterious canisters of toxic gas?

November 8: Zombie Lake (1980). During World War II, a group of villagers ambushed and defeated a band of German soldiers and threw their bodies in the nearby lake. Now, the Nazis have returned as angry zombies, preying on unsuspecting teenage female swimmers and skinny-dippers.

November 15: Oasis of the Zombies (1983): When his father suddenly dies, Robert discovers from his diaries that six million dollars in Nazi gold is buried at an oasis in the Saharan desert, protected by several zombies who want the gold to stay put.

November 22: Shock Waves (1977). In the dark days of World War II, the Nazi High Command ordered its scientists to create the Death Corps, a top secret race of indestructible zombie storm troopers — unliving, unfeeling, unstoppable monstrosities able to kill with their bare hands. No member of this horrific SS unit was ever captured by the Allied forces — and somewhere off the coast of Florida, it appears they have survived.

November 29: Hard Rock Zombies (1984). During a stop-over in a rural town full of unfriendly, hostile people, a quartet of big-haired, leather-clad heavy metal rockers are killed by a bizarre family who turn out to be Adolf Hitler, Eva Braun (who’s now a werewolf), and their freakish, inbred children and grandchildren. Determined to take part in the show they were supposed to perform before their untimely deaths, the band members rise from the dead to rock out one more time and defeat Hitler.

NOTZ zombielake
hard-rock-zombiesOasisZ
shock_waves

October: Days of Future Past

Hey, remember in 1999 when we were able to record our experiences and memories on MiniDiscs and high schools were taught by gun-wielding androids? Wasn’t that crazy when Hong Kong’s prisons were all privatized in 2001 and the riot police carried light sabers? How about the time Manhattan was turned into a maximum-security prison, back in 1997? This months, we’ll bask in the bright, golden future of eight to twelve years ago.

October 4: Class of 1999
October 11: Riki-Oh
October 18: Strange Days
October 25: Escape From New York


One of my favorite zombie graphic novels, Living with Zombies, features two guys for whom the zompocalypse is nothing less than a fantasy come true. They immediately set about slaughtering as many zombies as possible, each one trying to out-do the other as if racking up points in Left 4 Dead. When they get separated, they keep in touch via cell phone:

Billman: [answering phone] Hello?
Chris: [fires gun repeatedly, right next to the phone]
Billman: God! What the piss was that?
Chris: [smirking] That was my new sweet ass gun.
Billman: Really!
Chris: Uh-huh.
Billman: See if you can place this sound. [revs chainsaw next to the phone] Could you hear that? Heh heh…
Chris: [dejected] Why is it that whatever I do…
Billman: I one-up you?
Chris: Yes!

In that spirit, I’d like to take a moment to honor one of my favorite horror movie weapons, the chainsaw.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, shot in 1974 by Tobe Hooper, has been both reviled for its gruesome displays of murder and hailed as a masterpiece of independent filmmaking. Hooper claims that he wanted to make a film about isolation and brutality, a response to the real-life massacres that at the time were being carried out by the United States on the other side of the world, in the Vietnam War. According to Hooper, the idea for the chainsaw as a murder weapon was inspired by being in a crowded hardware store and thinking of ways to quickly get out through the throngs of people.

Leatherface chasing after "the one that got away."

Leatherface chasing after 'the one that got away.'

In the sequel, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part II, the symbolism of the chainsaw is a little more overt. The sexually immature (and possibly impotent) Leatherface now thrusts his hips suggestively while swinging his chainsaw, and final girl Stretch saves herself, in part, by reassuring Leatherface about how big and dangerous his chainsaw is. Dennis Hopper’s character, Lefty, demonstrates the fact that using a chainsaw as a weapon marks one as being a tad bit unpredictable and, well, crazy. It’s not a “sane” weapon — it’s a brutal weapon, a weapon one chooses not because it’s efficient but because it’s horrific. When Lefty decides to arm himself with three small chainsaws before going into battle with the Sawyer clan, it’s a demonstration of how his commitment to proper revenge has surpassed his sense of reason.

hopperchainsawhopperchainsaw2

This theme comes up again in Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness: when Ash loses an arm, and all appears to be lost — when he’s reached the point of no return — he comes up with a way to attach a chainsaw to his bloody stump, and subsequently uses it to wildly hack his way through the Deadites and other nasties.

Ash creates his chainsaw-arm.

Ash creates his chainsaw-arm.

…Ash’s chainsaw-arm is also cleverly referenced in the Japanese zombie movie Stacy, in a world in which defending yourself from zombie schoolgirls has become an everyday occurrence.

Bruce Campbell's Right Hand #2.

Bruce Campbell's Right Hand #2.

But then in the 1987 B-movie The Video Dead, the rules change — one of the zombies, after seeing several of her kin attacked by a teenager wielding a chainsaw, manages to get the chainsaw away and start attacking humans with it.

Zombie Bride turns the tables.

Zombie Bride turns the tables.

…anyone care to share their personal favorite chainsaw horror movie action?

  1. It releases zombies into your home, killing off your entire neighborhood.
  2. It sucks you and your family into a hell dimension of television satire.
  3. It becomes a teleportation device, enabling hungry aliens to invade your planet.
  4. It turns viewers into homicidal maniacs controlled by extraterrestrial beings.

September 6: The Video Dead
September 13: Stay Tuned
September 20: TerrorVision
September 27: Remote Control



,

August: Sly as a Stallone

Rambo? Rocky who? Pssh. Forget about the “classics” — this month, we’re watching five reasons why Sylvester Stallone received the 2000 “Worst Actor of the Century” Razzie award for “95% of Everything He’s Ever Done.”

August 2: FIELD TRIP! Come out to The Dark Room, 2263 Mission, for a very special screening of Over the Top, Stallone’s epic arm-wrestling drama. Witty banter provided by Tristan Buckner and other hosts. $5. No potluck tonight, just come to the movie. Be there at 8pm sharp!

August 9: F.I.S.T. — “Jimmy Kovak (Sylvester Stallone) is a hardworking 1930s factory employee pursuing the American Dream. When factory conditions push him too far, he pushes back. As he unionizes his co-workers, he’s faced with a grueling uphill battle. But when he aligns himself with the mob, he realizes that he’s sacrificed far more than just his principles.”

August 16: Demolition Man — “In the violent 1990s, a cop (Sylvester Stallone) catches a relentless killer (Wesley Snipes), and both end up in a cryogenic deep freeze. In the peaceful year 2032, the criminal emerges from his long chill and attacks the now crimeless California. Unable to stop the bloodshed, a “Big Brother” boss (Nigel Hawthorne) defrosts the murderer’s past nemesis, who struggles to adapt to the ways of a new world and a restless new partner (Sandra Bullock).”

August 23: Judge Dredd — “Director Danny Cannon’s sci-fi thriller profiles Joseph Dredd (Sylvester Stallone), one of the heavily armed judges who act as jury and executioner when patrolling the streets of a futuristic megalopolis. After Dredd is framed for murder by a power-hungry judge (Jurgen Prochnow), he finds his own pitiless legal system turned against him. Sent to prison with a talkative criminal (Rob Schneider), Dredd quickly escapes to dispense true justice.”

August 30:Death Race 2000 — “In the racing world of the future, it’s no longer a crime to run down a pedestrian with your car. In fact, it’s all part of the game. Speeding across mixed terrain in a transcontinental contest, five daring competitors (including David Carradine and his character’s arch-rival, Sylvester Stallone) go up against a gang of rebels who’d like nothing better than to put a stop to them and their brutal sport. Mary Woronov co-stars.”

Our “When Animals Attack” theme was probably the most fun one we’ve had to date. So once again we’re gonna thrill you with animals hell-bent on revenge against humanity.

June 7th: Piranha (1978)
Joe Dante (director of Explorers, The Howling, Gremlins) sets loose killer fish on an unsuspecting river resort. Hilarity and a body count ensue.

June 14th: Grizzly (1976)
18 FEET OF TOWERING FURY!! A classic “animals attack” flick.

June 21st: Alligator (1980)
“Beneath these manholes, a man-eater is waiting.” Alligators are living in the Chicago sewers.

June 28th: Deep Blue Sea
Pissed-off sharks and LL Cool Jay. What more do you need to know?

Happy Mothers Day

May is for Mothers, the kind that are sometimes aliens or werewolves or harboring dark secrets. Enjoy!

Serial Mom:
She’s a fabulous, loving, caring mother, who er… …happens to be a serial killer!

My Stepmother Is an Alien:
Starring Kim Basinger, Dan Ackroyd and also a young Alyson Hannigan and Seth Green
……

My Mom’s a Werewolf:
VHS-only 1980s flick. It has to be good, right?

Mommy Dearest:
Over-the-top portrayal of Joan Crawford…

May 3rd: Serial Mom
May 10th: My Mom’s a Werewolf
May 17th: My Stepmother Is an Alien
May 24th: Mommie Dearest

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